And here is one tight slap for you...

"Since they are women, stooping to the level of gifting undergarments will defame them only," he observed.

FYI, Mr. Head-of-the-hooligan-sena,

Since there are a lot of men who are also 'stooping to the level of gifting undergarment, may you have the sense to not just 'defame' the women.
Also, the very beginning of this statement, 'Since they are women..' does in fact HIGHLIGHT a BIG 'issue of Indian culture that I have raised' and makes your point of view very very clear. That if there was a woman and a man performing the same actions, in your book, the woman would be 'defamed' 'Since she is a woman'!

You know what? If you have a daughter, I PRAY to the same Lord Ram that you so cherish, that she sends you a pink, pink chaddi with cute hearts on it. Hell, even if you no daughter, I pray that your SON(s) also sends you some love!

That the whole point of the protest would be lost out on your non-existent brain was well known, now you have proved by uttering this rubbish that your brain(or whatever performs the function) does not do subtle. It only understands the third degree. So maybe the next 'protest' will be something you will understand very well!

With lots of love....

Domestic violence

Continuing on the topic of Women in India, today I want to share my views on Domestic Violence.
I grew up in an atmosphere where no one beats anyone else, for any reason. But we had a maid who came everyday with bruises and black eye, and when I asked her what happened she would say her husband came home drunk and beat her. That is how I knew 'some' husbands beat their wives when drunk. I grew up with that notion. I only saw domestic violence on the TV and thought it only happens to the lower 'class' women who do not have the education or support from family to walk out on their husbands and come back up on their feet.

Then, a few years back, 2 incidents happened. To two of my very good friends. And the way their families 'handled' it has been a study in diametric opposites.

One of my friends is a younger daughter of a very well to do scientist in a prestigious establishment and she herself is an engineer. Her parents are like mine, and have always treated their daughters like friends. You could not find one moment in their upbringing where you could think they regret not having a son. She was free to do what she wanted and they only started 'looking' for a suitable boy to get her married only when she was finally ready and said yes. She got married to this guy who was working in the US and his family was back home in India. Post marriage she was at her in laws' place for a few months until she got her visa and left to join her husband in the states. While she was in India I chatted with her a few times and I remember she telling me her in laws were like friends and treated her very well. I was happy for her. Then one day, my dad called me and asked me to talk to her and find out 'what is going on'. He then told me that she was always crying when she talked to her parents during the weekly call home. Always wanting to come back home. Her parents thought it was because she was in an alien land for the first time, and was a housewife so missed her husband all day! Little did they know that he had her under a 'house arrest'. She was not allowed to go out, did not have a license to drive, her passport was locked up by him, she was given money only enough to do groceries, not allowed to call home when she wanted and did not have a computer while he was at work. He also taunted her and her parents because she could not cook very well (threw the plate on her face once). He did not beat her ever but this was enough to make her life a living hell. This was domestic violence she was facing. The last I heard, her parents talked to her husband and coaxed her to stay on and try to change him.

Another story is that of my dad's good friend's daughter, who is also my very good friend. She comes from a very simple middle class family, father, mother and younger brother, living in a small flat in Mumbai. She is also an engineer and worked for a few years before the marriage bug bit the parents. They found a suitable boy in the form of this son of rich gujju parents. He also was working in the US and came to India to meet her once. The next time he went was to get married. Cut to 2 years later, I get a call from my dad saying he is in Mumbai at his friends' place and they are trying to get a visa to the US URGENTLY. The reason? Their daughter was being beat up everyday by her husband, AND he was having a much too intimate a relationship with a female colleague of his. My friend was under 'house arrest', was on a dependent visa and had nowhere else to go. Her parents and brother swiftly managed to get their visas to the US and joined her soon. The first thing they did was to contact a south-asian women's domestic violence cell and got a restraining order against her husband. They then started proceedings for legal separation. Meanwhile, the women's cell also managed to get her a special work visa and a job. In a few weeks she was divorced and earning her own living. Her family went back after a couple of months. Now she lives independently and is much happier than she was when she was married. Her family visits her whenever they can.

Two similar stories, but the way they were handled was drastically different. Both victims of domestic violence. One still trying to make her husband see sense, the other, moved on in life. Both were independent women who were treated badly by men from 'decent' families. I don't know what is the 'right' thing to do in these cases but I strongly believe in one thing. A man who, regularly or intermittently beats his wife never changes his ways. A man who, regularly or intermittently, causes mental trauma to his wife never changes his ways. A man who does not respect his wife will never see any reason to change his ways. It works in movies, where a good Samaritan gives the bad guy a lecture about women and wife etc and the husband changes his ways and becomes good. It does not work like that in real life. Some women move on, others keep struggling all their lives. The cycle of violence, apologies, more violence, never ends. And do not think it happens only to women who are not educated or aware of their rights. It can happen to anyone.

Update:
I don't know what is the 'right' thing to do in these cases....
I was contradicting myself here. I KNOW what the right thing to do is. And that is to walk out.

Spot

Does this picture look weird to you?

This was taken at the Pink Panther premiere in London(Courtesy: High Heel Confidential.) The moment I saw this, I though...oh! It is freezing in London, Jaya, Abhishek and Big B are bundled up in the warmest of coats. Look at the Bachchan Bahu....

Being a woman.

My parents have 2 daughters. I was 6 when my younger sister was born, and I remember people telling my mom, 'It's OK', etc. Growing up, no one at home made us feel that we were inferior to boys. I studied in a co-educational central government school where we were taught that girls and boys are the same really. Ten years of schooling were a breeze. Boys and girls played in the same playground, sat in the same class, and YES a girl and a boy(possibly of different religions) shared a desk in school. We did not care if someone was called Praveena or Parveen. We did not care about religion or caste or the colour of the skin. Nor were we taught by our teachers to care. In civics, we were taught the fundamental values on which India is based.
We memorized the preamble and parroted it out in class-

'WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens: JUSTICE, social, economic and political; LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship; EQUALITY of status and of opportunity; and to promote among them all FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation.'

Contrary to what a lot of culture protectors feel, no girl converted to another religion, no one was snooped away to another country. Our parents did not bother that we were not playing just with 'Hindu girls', that we had boys in our group. No one told us that as girls we need to be careful about who we associate with, because if someone does not like us having male friends, we would get beaten.

After 10th grade I joined a state board junior college. I had to travel in the city bus and there I had my first taste of eve-teasing and worse. The first time a guy brushed past me in an empty bus, I thought it was a mistake. Maybe he didn't see me there. The second time it happened on an empty road and I shouted at the man. 'Dikhta nahin hain kya bey?' He smiled and kept walking. I was a shouter. I never kept silent in spite of the frequency of the incidents. One time a guy on a cycle slapped by back from behind. I ran and kicked his bicycle and he fell. Instead of feeling embarrassed, he called me names(bad ones in hindi) and cycled away. I got angrier. One time I shouted at a man in a bus and the lady sitting on the seat beside me asked me to ignore such people, and that by shouting, I look like the bad person. That was my first lesson at being an Indian girl.

After college there have been numerous instances of men misbehaving, touching, trying to touch, staring etc. And each time I have shouted or made myself heard. And each time there have been people around me who stared at me like I was the one who touched a man improperly. Those piercing eyes that seem to say 'why doesn't she keep silent like the others?'

I have been here in the US for the last 3 years now, and even now, when I visit home, I have at least a few such incidents. None of trips are complete without that shout to that man who tries to take advantage of the situation. And now, I can tell when they are about to do it. I can tell when they do it on purpose. And when you shout, they turn around and smile, like they have won something. Or they look irritated, like you disturbed their pleasure. When you wear a trouser, they look at you from top to bottom, sort of like optical scanning. They do it when you wear a salwar kameez with dupatta pinned to your shoulders, covering your chest, they do it when you wear a saree. They do it to a 15 year old, a 21 year old, heck even to a 60 year old. They really spare no one. I have lived in three Indian cities for a considerable time. Hyderabad, Mumbai and Trivandrum and experienced this everywhere(although to a lesser extent in Mumbai.) You go out and you cannot come back home without having been felt by a stranger. You cannot come back without having been scanned from top to toe, stared at because you wore something that makes you look good. You cannot come back without people making judgements about you because of the way you talk in public, or the way you dress. You cannot talk to men by looking straight into their eyes(they way you are supposed to talk, anyway) and not be termed an aggressive woman. You cannot wear skirts or a well-fitted top without being labeled as wearing 'nude clothes'. And NOW, you cannot go anywhere you please, anytime you want, without being afraid of being beaten, clothes being torn, by the moral police. And it is not so shocking that they are invoking the name of Lord Ram while doing this. The Lord they know made his wife walk into fire to prove that she was pure. To prove that she was not 'soiled' by Ravan, even though she was the victim! Such is their Lord, such are their values and such is their culture. It is NOT my culture to limit the social movement of women. They, in unison with the politicians, and NCW should probably re-write the preamble.

'WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN HINDU REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens EXCEPT WOMEN: JUSTICE, social, economic and political; LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship, as long as they are hindu men; EQUALITY of status and of opportunity to all hindu men; and to promote among them all FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual(hindu man) and the unity and integrity of the Nation.'

Ban women from public places.

After seeing the way the Mangalore incident was handled by the Karnataka government, I thought nothing would shock me now. I was so wrong. Here are some words of wisdom by a member of the National Commission for Women (NCW). As expected there are some things IHM said that provoke thought.

Ms. Venkatesh is so right. Why should these women go to pubs, discos, malls and 'places like that'? Should the women not know that the place did not have a license to sell liquor? Why should they go to a place that does not have security? Did the women not know that wearing jeans and a tee is considered 'semi-nude'?

Whoever said the solution to such problems is to prosecute the molesters and bring them justice? No! So sir! The only solution to this is that women stop going to 'such places'. Ms. Venkatesh even mentions malls among the places women should not go to.
When the interviewer(Rajdeep Sardesai) asked her what if such a thing happens to someone in her family, you know what she said? 'My family women will not go to such a place!' Is that not a lesson we all women need to learn?

She met the culprits in jail and 'even counseled them', in her own words. So it is NOT the responsibility of the NCW to find the victims, counsel them, and make them feel more secure and safe, but to counsel the goons. She said "The culprits said they did not go with then intention of beating the women. They said they wanted to stop the live band and other activities that were spoiling the girls. They said the women were wearing skimpy clothes and dancing and that is the reason the incident took place. They are now repenting their actions."

Did the women not know that when some men ask them to get out of the pub they should immediately run out or risk being beaten and insulted by the men? These men have taken the 'theka' of all the women of this world, and when angered, would have to beat some sense into the women.

Finally, the lesson learnt from this incident is not that we need more laws against ill-treatment of women and making our public places safe, no! "The lesson to be learnt for women out of this incident is that we should try and safeguard ourselves," she concluded.
Ban women from public places to safeguard them.

Little joys

Isn't this the best moment in sports?


A winner consoling a loser. I cried when Roger said, 'God it’s killing me', I started to feel sad, and when he cried, I cried. I did. And did not stop until Rafa said sorry for having won! That made me smile and when I looked at the screen, this particular scene froze in my mind. A winner consoling a loser. Have you ever seen anything like this before? I have great respect for Roger's brilliance on court and Rafa's power play. But today I became a fan of these two for the emotions on court. For the largeness heart that Rafa demonstrated. It is hard to get up there and apologize for having won. Much less, when the guy you defeated cries. It would not even have struck another player(think Roddick), to go up there and say sorry and console the loser. Only a true sportsman, a true winner can do that, and Rafa really demonstrated that today. And Roger, really, showed he can be so emotionally vulnerable and show his weaker side to the world so easily. It takes a grown man a strong heart to cry in front of the world. To show that they are so emotionally overcome is not easy for men to do. And I respect Roger for that. Its hard to see a grown man cry and not cry with him.

Some myths about pubs busted.

By now we all are well aware of the shameful Mangalore pub incident. Enough has been said about it from both sides. While well-known bloggers are writing against such horrific acts being committed, a few creepy rediff-readers are commenting (on rediff, where else) that these girls deserved it, they had it coming. That they had no business of being in a club and being obscene. That it is not our culture to go to a pub(like molesting and raping is 'our culture'). That 'things' always happen in a pub. Well, guys, you need to really open your eyes wide and step into a pub to know 'what goes on'.
The Urban dictionary defines a pub as 'Commonly used shorthand for "Public House". Pubs are non-membership bars serving all sorts of alcoholic beverages'.

• A pub is NOT a place where promiscuous men and women go to get laid, it is merely a place where people go to sit, talk and have a few drinks with friends.
• A person who drinks is not necessarily looking for sex with strangers. He/she might just be hanging out with friends after a hard day at work.
• Drinking with a person of another religion does NOT mean I am going to convert.
  

AGAIN, a pub is NOT a place where promiscuous men and women with a loose character go to find each other, that place is called a BROTHEL. Leave the pubs in peace. Leave the women in peace.

If it is not my culture to go to a pub, it is also not my culture to harass women, beat them up, the least to molest them. Pubbing is NOT going to stop because of your cheap antics.

The so-called Ram Sena should be ashamed of itself. The day this incident happened was a sad and shameful day for Indian men. The day should be marked in calendars as the day of collective shame.
If a woman cannot go where she pleases, with whom she pleases, without the watchful eyes of a creepy man; if she cannot get a drink without being dragged by her hair; if she cannot go alone without curious hands groping her; if she cannot do what she pleases without someone judging her, we have no business being called a cultured, let alone a developed, society. I hang my head in shame.

Updated to add: A commenter, @lankr1ta reminded me that promiscuity never harmed anyone, and is a purely personal choice.
So here goes, Ram Sena molesters, even if the women were indeed promiscuous, its NONE of your damned business to go about beating any random woman you please.